Three Alternative Uses for Babies

Photo by Luwadlin Bosman on Unsplash

So, you’ve had a baby. Well done. You’ve welcomed a beautiful, brand new human onto this planet of ours. You’ve passed at least part of your genetic code down to the next generation. You bloody legend. So, now the question is, what do you actually do with this wriggling carbon-based life form? Besides loving it, feeding it, nurturing it and generally treating it with the respect due to another sentient human being, here are three alternative uses for babies, that’ll help ensure that your baby sparks joy, and boosts productivity in your life from day one.

  1. A door stop.

The job of a door stop is not a difficult one. All that is required is a little weight. A few kilos will do. Now ‘traditional’ door stops tend to be stationary, and don’t slide around on the floor. When your baby is still a newborn, he or she will literally be unable to move, apart from a few basic reflexes. So this is the prime door stop window of opportunity. To avoid them slipping around on the floor like a bar of soap, I’d advise dressing your baby in thick, high friction material for this purpose. Tweed will do nicely.

2. A sounding board for creative ideas.

When inspiration strikes, be it an idea for a billion-dollar company, or the narrative arc of a series of fantasy novels about enchanted narwhales, it helps to have someone to bounce ideas off. This creative to and fro can help sharpen your ideas until they are literally ready to cut through atoms. A lesser-known feature of babies is that they are naturally endowed with an impeccable sense of judgment and common sense. To use your baby as a sounding board for your creative ideas, simply do the following:

  • Place your baby in a thoughtful position. Ideally nestled in a large, weathered, leather armchair.
  • Pitch your ideas to your baby. Don’t hold back here. Be confident, look your baby in the eye and just lay it all out there.
  • Once your pitch is over, carefully observe your baby’s movements and/or body language. If they cry, you’re on to a winner. If they shit themselves, it’s a no go. Burps and or vomit are a grey area. Experts are divided as to whether this indicates that the idea’s a good one, but the world isn’t ready for it yet, or whether it simply indicates that the baby has gas. Personally, I’m in the former camp.

3. A portable ego-boosting device.

Do you ever get that sinking feeling that other people are somehow just better than you? They’re earning more money, or they have more friends, or they’re better looking or more competent than you. It hurts, doesn’t it? Well, the best way to fight fire is with fire. Don’t compare yourself to other people the same age as you. Instead, compare yourself with your baby. You will be amazed at how much more accomplished and impressive you are than your tiny offspring. The result will be a boon in your own self-confidence and general levels of wellbeing that will probably result in your starting a podcast.

Here are some sample comparisons that will help you get started in this healthy and wholesome activity:

  • Compare who is better at walking.
  • Compare who is better at talking.
  • Compare who knows the most about football trivia.
  • Compare who is better at controlling their bowel movements.
  • Compare who goes to bed later.
  • Compare who is best at digesting solid foods.

There are countless other comparisons that you will be able to make with your baby wherein you come out significantly on top. And that’s what it’s all about, at the end of the day.

So there you have it. Three alternative uses for your baby, that’ll improve your life by approximately 47% as quick as you can say ‘onesie’.

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